i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
sarcasm needs its own font
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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