Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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