If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
