I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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