I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize