so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
This girl is more easily done than said...
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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