There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize