I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
