How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
