someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I wish I only lived at night.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
