We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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