I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
