I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
