I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
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