I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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