Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize