he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
You are the jesus of drinking
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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