Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
