So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
false alarm. still invincible.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
