i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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