Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
