lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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