Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
