what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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