I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
