Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
