Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
