i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
