did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
