he told me I talked like a deaf person
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
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