I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
