I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
