Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
