I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
