i already hear my dad disowning me
I look better un-naked...
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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