White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
