i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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