Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
