He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
