i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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