Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
