my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
