She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Randomize
