ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
