Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
