I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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