omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Randomize
