i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Randomize
