I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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