The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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