I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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