I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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