So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
