I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
