i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
