oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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