The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
