sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
