you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize