hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
