Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
